Wednesday, September 21, 2011

My Period Makes Me Do Things

In an ongoing effort not to fall back into unpleasant and unhelpful negative cyclical thinking, today I am going to write about all the things my impending Period is making me do and why I hate it sometimes. Also? I really, really, really, really, miss my therapist today.

For instance, yesterday, my Period made me eat Nutella by the spoonful, straight out of the jar. I'm pretty sure it's going to make me do it again today (actually, it's happening right now as I write this). Also probably pickles. The really sour kind. In general my Period likes to make me shop and eat. I have spent untold amounts of money at Sephora over the years because of my Period, usually because it's in a snit about aging or breakouts and thinks I really need another face lotion or moisturizer RIGHT NOW.

Earlier this week my Period went on an obsessive quest to find new dresses, without much success, because something was wrong with even the most basic ones. It finally settled on an Etsy purchase of a fairly bland black dress. It waffled a lot on the sizing, it tends to size way up as a general rule. This often results in sack-like purchases that are never worn.

Today, my Period made me try on about a millions clothes before deciding that baggy and black was really the only option. And then it made me feel really bad about having a zit on my chin because I'm 32 and who still has acne issues at my age? My Period is really judgy.

Then my Period made me return some clothes that didn't fit right, which is kind of the first time it's done anything helpful. Unfortunately, it followed up that act of charity by forcing me to wander around a mall for two hours, looking at my reflection in mirrors and window fronts, and telling me how extraordinarily, freakishly, short and fat I am. I think the exact description it used was "waddling portly black bantam".

My Period forced me to go into Forever21 and feel depressed about not being 17 and slim anymore, and tried to make me buy things with glitter on it. But I resisted. It tried to tempt me with really ugly rings but I held my head high and said no.

So my Period retaliated by letting me know that my hair is really ridiculous and I should cut it all off because honestly, who am I kidding with this mess? My Period says this every month about my hair, which has led to some drastic cut regrets over the years and many freak out hair dyeing experiments. It usually lures me into the hair care section of stores and makes me buy a lot of serums and conditioners that don't work. I'm getting wiser about this tactic so I just put my hair up and told my Period to suck it.

It then dragged me to Target to wander aimlessly through their clothing section where I couldn't even manage to buy a plain old long sleeved tee without judging myself for it. My Period tried to make me buy some more cardigans but I told it, no, you have enough of those right now. It had a little bit of a hissy fit at this point and tried to convince me to buy XL sweats in bright fuchsia, but I held out. It was a very near thing.

However, my Period did convince me to pick up an oversized t-shirt with a sparkly pink skull on it. It told me I could wear it at home because I freelance and the cats won't judge me. This sounded almost reasonable.

And then my Period hit the motherload. The Halloween section at Target is now up. Thankfully, this is an activity I like and which does not make me feel bad about myself. I spent a lot of time eyeing skull plates, masks, life size skeletons, stuff in jars, fake gravestones...however I was good and only bought a tablecloth with a very cool skull and ghosts motif.

Finally, my Period forced me to go to the makeup section. It really wanted some eyeshadows but I know better than to mess around with that stuff at Target. Instead, I ended up with a totally stupid lip gloss in "Saucy Mauve". However, this plus the t-shirt and tablecloth seems to have soothed my Period for the time being so I can kind of function.

Still, my Period isn't very happy that I'm writing this. It thinks I'm blowing its cover. I suspect it will make me pay for it with pointless online window shopping later today, plus probably watching Jane Eyre and Pride & Prejudice back to back while having a good cry. Also probably more Nutella.


  1. 1. Every adult I know insists that they must be the only person their age who still gets zits.

    2. Cynthia Heimel has a spectacularly awesome essay on pre-menstrual fashion panic. I will dig it up before you get here.

    3. This is the perfect time to dress up as ridiculously as possible to stay home. Glitter, sequins, false eyelashes, wigs. Let it flyyyyyy.

  2. Our Periods are totally in cahoots today, talking to each other and planning our demise.

    In other words, yay for being Cycle Buddies! *high five*

    Also, I have 3 zits on my face right now. *stab stab*

  3. I have this image of you in a battle of wills over Halloween decorations and makeup. It's rather charming.

    I have planned ahead and have triple chocolate chip cookies. I figure my period will make me run more than usual so I will work them off anyhow.

  4. I blame the change in clean air and sometimes even bad food for my after-puberty zits. Its very annoying.

    Although, I feel better about my period who just leaves me completely wishy-washy and productive for a few days at a time. (Which I find more irritating than window shopping. My Period knows how t break me.)