I'm just about 11 weeks pregnant now and my last blog post, sometime in July, with a series of random thoughts, had one that simply said "Sometimes I feel guilty for not having kids". I find it obviously ironic since, when I wrote it, I was unknowingly pregnant. At the time I was pretty sure kids were not going to happen to us for a variety of reasons. So, you know, happy surprises.
Being pregnant is definitely weird. I'm not showing yet or anything, but I can feel a lot of changes. I'm tired a lot and nauseous pretty much all day (all normal, but still). Heartburn, which I've never had before, had been an experience. Oh, and gas. Lots and lots of gas. Those parts are not a lot of fun, although I'm happy otherwise. Naps help a lot. Crackers and tea have become my favorite things.
My doc had me go off of my anxiety medication cold turkey, which I do NOT recommend. My meds are actually considered "safe" during pregnancy, and then you taper off in the last trimester. But German docs are not super fond of brain drugs. I get it, but I would rather have been able to ease off. And the promise of acupuncture in the last trimester? Not really doing anything for all the sickness feelings now. It was also probably the first real example of people deciding things for you because you're pregnant. I'm sure it won't be the last.
Body-wise, I won't lie. Being pregnant is hard when you have BDD. And I haven't even started the major body changes yet. I haven't been having an issue with eating, except for the nausea making it so I have to eat less but more often. The result so far is a happy fetus that's progressing perfectly, swimming around and growing parts.
I don't feel like glossing over the difficult parts of all this. Women in general are expected to never complain, I think pregnant women get this pressure 1000x more. You're expected to be in bliss land, loving every second of the experience. And for some women it's like that and to them I say: thppppt. Well, not really. Mostly I say: you are SO lucky! For the rest, parts of this process are difficult and we don't feel that great.
Admitting that being pregnant isn't a thrill a minute doesn't mean you want it any less or aren't happy about the eventual result. It's just that, like most human experiences, there are ups and downs. I have friends who had truly miserable pregnancies and are great mom's. It's no reflection on anything other than whatever your personal hormone cocktail is doing.
I have, as I expect most pregnant women do, lots of worries big and small. Worry that everything will continue to go well. Worry about all the potential things that can go wrong. Worry about how I'll be as a mom. Annoying, superficial worry about stuff like weight gain. Frankly, I think anyone who isn't worried about what kind of mom they'll be or what the world will be like or the rest is a little weird. Of all the experiences, I should think pregnancy would make you just a little more concerned about...everything. Keeping calm and reminding yourself that billions of people do this is, you know, pretty helpful, honestly.
Anyway, I'll be painting my little versions of what we are affectionately calling "Blorpy" until such time as there's an actual gender involved, a few months from now. Most of the descriptions of embryo's and fetuses involve comparing them to fruit. So naturally it ended up as a blueberry with arm buds. And a cutlass. Because, uhm, being an embryo is probably pretty weird?