Monday, April 27, 2015

Things I Have Learned in 6 Weeks of Parenting

1. Absolutely nothing will go the way you hope/plan/expect in both good and bad ways. In the 6 weeks since I became a parent my daughter had to spend a week in the NICU right after she was born due to a (minor) infection, I found out I couldn't breast feed, our new car's battery went to hell, my husband developed a temporary eye palsy and now has to wear a patch until it decides to go away. So good luck planning anything, basically.

2. Babies do not give even a single fuck about what they are "supposed" to do according to any parenting "guide".

3. All "guides" about things like making your baby sleep on their back, perfectly flat, only apply to ideal babies who don't have reflux or care about being close to you. I'm going to tell you right now that your baby will probably have reflux and want to be near you because most of them do. Adjust accordingly.

4. Your home will become a wasteland of baby paraphrenalia used and unused like some kind of infant version of Mad Max. Mostly it will be unused things you thought you "must" have but your kid hates with a fiery passion. Like, for instance, the bassinet.

5. Baby poop comes out at roughly the same velocity as a rocket shooting for the moon. It's pretty funny even when it's shooting at you.

6. After feedings babies get milk drunk. It's awesome.

6. Get a pediatrician you can call with all your stupid questions because you will have them and it's okay and they will make you feel better instead of stupid.

7. What's more terrifying than how much you love your kid is how much they need you and the sense of responsibility you now have for this tiny life. It can sometimes be paralyzing but you get through it and only check that they're breathing every 5 min instead of every 2.

8. Babies are pretty cute but they also make faces like Dick Tracy villains and it's pretty fucking weird.

9.  Make TV playlists of shows you can watch during 2am feedings so that you don't nod off on your baby. I recommend Community because it's A. awesome and B. the perfect length for keeping up a baby with reflux after a feeding so they don't yak everything back up.

10. Seriously, take care of yourself or you'll be useless to your kid. It's okay to put them down sometimes. Really.

11. I suspect in another 6 weeks I will have a new set of revelations because none of us know what we're doing. PARENTING.

1 comment:

  1. A couple of lifesavers that helped us out tremendously.

    1.Happiest Baby on the Block. -this thing seems like absolute crazy. But it works. I'd come home from work, and the wife would hand me the baby and say "do the magic trick". I'm pretty sure it's the only reason she kept me around. ��
    2.mylicon infant gas drops. Baby's either puke or poop to get gas out, unless you are an excellent burper. Which still takes time. This is a super quick fix.
    3.Nosefrida. screw that little squishy nose bulb thing. I made it work, by making a game out of it, but the Nosefrida thing is some disgusting next level magic.
    Yes you will be sucking snot out of your child's nose. Yes. It's gross. But unlike other methods of removing bodily fluids, this has a filter to prevent you getting sick, and it works super fast. Although you will be amazed how much goop comes out of your child.

    Much like poop.

    Good luck!